Male long haul truck driver looking for advise

by Dave
(Ottawa ontario canada)

Hello. I am a long haul truck driver.
Been driving for almost 3 yrs.

I have a wife,just had 6 yr anniversary. Have 2 kids. One 8 yr old daughter and 4 yr old son.
I work 70 hr. 36hr reset. I am the only source of income. I leave Sundays return Fridays.

My mind set is this... I am sad when I leave for work but also happy. Most weekends are me raising my voice because my children are making too much noise. My wife does not work, stay at home mom. House is never clean. Laundry is all over the house. Clean mixed with dirty. Kids rooms are never clean. Never have any money.

I normally pull 900 a week. (Canadian)

Am I a complete ass for thinking there is no reason for a dirty house etc...?

Money issue is something to work on..i get that. But it's always "we will catch up next week"

I am just easily annoyed now. I understand being on the road makes drivers antisocial.

Just don't know what to do. I've hinted that the house could have gotten clean... pick 1 room a day.

We don't pay for water use...laundry can be done..but it's not. I'm going fn nuts.

I just don't say anything cause I don't want to hurt any feelings.

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Jun 19, 2021
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No worry NEW
by: Anonymous

If wife at home waiting on you I can sympathize with you about the messy house but for the most part somebody needs to get a system for cleaning up the house what not pointing my finger at her but there needs to be a solution to this problem I do not know what the issues are there with you and her but you must love each other very much or have loved each other at one time so don't look for reasons to be unhappy like finding the house a mess but help get a solution to clean up the mess which out criticizing one another you both put your head together and come up with a solution I forgot how old you said your children was but there needs to be a system in the household or find someone who can come and help her clean up the house cleanliness is Next to Godliness but I wouldn't die of a dirty house unless it was filthy and I couldn't eat there's a difference and cluttered and nasty filthy

Mar 19, 2019
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Have Things Improved?
by: Hervy

How are things going now?

If they are better, what did you do/say to facilitate the change?

Nov 10, 2018
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New older mom
by: Anonymous

My husband and I decided that I should stay home with our new baby and he would support the family. It has been torture.

The resentment going on between us is difficult. I am 42 and a new mom again. I Also have a 12 yr old from a previous marriage.

He can't seem to understand how exhausting it is to be the only parent 24hrs a day 5 days a week. Then on top of that to have him come home every weekend at least 4 or 5 hours later than was mentioned so plans have to be cancelled or just not made and be disappointed that things aren't up to his standard, it is depressing.

The job I left starts at 5am to 2pm or 2pm to 11pm. In a normal relationship the spouse would work an opposite shift so daycare would be possible, but living with someone on the road and not having family on either side to help out with baby care makes this impossible.

Kids are selfish energy suckers that we love with all our hearts.

Maybe try complementing her on what she does do right and thanking her for the little things, see if that motivates her to try a few things your way.

Sep 17, 2017
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wow
by: Anonymous

what does she do all week?
i could not deal with that.

Sep 16, 2017
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I wouldn't put it like that Dave
by: Hervy

I think it's reasonable to expect the house to be clean with the right woman. I just have no idea who your wife is, so for your wife, that expectation may or may not be reasonable.

What I mean is people's minds operate differently. Plus we are only hearing what you are giving us.

Having said that, I can understand your frustration to a degree. I am wondering if this was always the case or if at some point she used to keep the house clean and laundry done then things kind of went down hill as time went on.

You said, that you don't say anything to keep from hurting any feelings. That is noble of you. However, you must find a way to communicate your frustration and desires without being mean, condescending and hurtful.

I definitely give you a lot of credit for writing end seeking advice and help. Says a lot about who you are and wanting things to improve.

I think professionals might suggest you try something like this.

Go in on Friday or early Saturday morning and start cleaning and doing the laundry the way that you want it. Invite your wife to help. Suggest 1 of those things be done on a particular day and time that is best for her schedule. The next time you are home, suggest another thing be done at a ideal time for her schedule.

OR instead ask your wife how can you help her with the laundry or room cleaning when you are home based on the time that is best for both of you.

Here is what I am afraid you might be saying without saying. Because you drive all week and make the money, you shouldn't be expected to do any of the work or rearing of the kids when you are at home.

If that is your argument, I would say that is not reasonable. One of the main complaints that women write in about is the driver having that mindset about it. That would be a nice arrangement but most women are not compatible with that mindset.

The reality is that for most women, you communicate your love and appreciation for them by helping with the house and raising/parenting the kids. (I am only saying that because, of the way you said you spend your time raising your voice because the kids are making too much noise.)

Are they simply being kids or are they unruly. If they are unruly then your wife might need help. If they are just doing what kids do, then you might want to interact with them and not try to tell them to be quiet so much.

Hey man, I drive so I can understand being tired after working all week. The problem is that parenting comes with sacrifice. I choose not to have kids to not give up my time, but if you have them, unfortunately, if you want the best chances of them being well balanced, you have to contribute.

Bottom line is it's just not going to be easy. If you had the woman perfectly compatible for your personality and wishes I guess it would work out to be easier.

However, you have to face reality of how how your personalities compliment each other. You have to get on the same page.

If you are the one more mindful about the need to improve the relationship the burden really is on you to proactively make it better. The wives that write in here the same thing from me.

Something else you could do is suggest counseling so that both of you could get unbiased suggestions and coaching to help make distribution of duties more even and contributions to the household more "fair" and planned out.

That way, no one is dissapointed with the other, as much.

Another option or addition to counseling is a book called "The 5 Love Languages" from Gary Chapman. It helps you to get on the same page with your expectations from the relationship.

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