Married but single

by Liz
(Mount Dora, FL)

My husband and I met on September 2006. It was a rocky start from the very beginning. Even though he was very pushy and very persistent I liked that about him.

Funny how that's the thing that bothers me the most now.

I was single before i met Jose year for about a year or so. I really wasn't looking to meet anyone. I wanted to do something with my life before settling down. He was a truck driver from the very beginning. I thought it was perfect.

I didn't feel ready for a serious relationship yet. We dated and got engaged a year later. We moved in a month after.

Married on February 2008, pregnant shortly after and our daughter was born December of that year. All of this was happening so fast, but I thought this was life.  

We bought a house in 2010 and our son was born in 2011. I stopped working because my commute to work was about an hour drive, plus day care for two children isn't cheap.  You would think I was so happy and I had it all.

Yeah, all but a husband.

Sure I knew what I was getting myself into, but I just thought I wouldn't be so alone. We fight all the time, but now it's worse. He says I have a bad attitude and now he is saying he wants a divorce.

I guess it's my fault because I've stayed this long. Of course I do! He calls and only asks about the kids, never once asking about how I feel and when I do say something he complains of how every other woman in the world does this and how I don't appreciate anything he does or what I have even if all I say is I have a headache.

I don't consider myself a bad person. I don't curse, lie, cheat. I have done my share of partying in the past but who hasn't.  That I don't agree with everything he says I don't!

He was brought up very differently then I was. He has a very different outlook on life, family, etc. Everyone has a right to their opinion, but when it has to do with my kids, I DON'T THINK SO!!

His mother believes in being friends with your child and letting them do as they please. If they want to sell drugs, she will go along for the ride. Oh and they do not have to finish school as long as they make money to pay her bills.  

His dad wasn't around because he was in jail for selling drugs himself.  My parents aren't saints either. My mother is an alcoholic and is very depressed because my dad is a work-a-holic and was never home including being with other women.

Now with all of this said I have a lot of issues with who stays with my children.  I have every right! I am their mother! I am the one with them when they are sick! He isn't their.

My husband hasn't been home for two months. And in the past when he is home he EXPECTS me to have dinner on the table, wearing something provocative, and the kids dressed up.

WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING ME!

What century are we living. He gets home sometimes at 2 in the morning. The last think I am thinking about is any of the above. I am home all day with the kids. I love them and I appreciate that I am able to be with them, but he gives me no credit at all.

I'm the one who pays the bills (yes he works, so yes it's his money), but he calls for me to transfer money, I have to set up any appointments for the kids, the house, the car, etc.

I wake up in the middle of the night to check on the kids, making sure they are ok, they are safe.

Not to mention keeping the house clean, and all the other stuff that needs to be done around the house. I don't cut the lawn because I need to draw the line somewhere! So forgive me when I am in a bad mood!

I am always alone! And the person I want with me is my husband! I didn't get married to buy a house, have kids, or raise a family alone!  

I appreciate all of the crap he has to put up with out there because I know it's not easy. It's hard being out there alone and dealing with people that think because you are a truck driver you are a no one.

But I'm alone too!

When he comes home he is too tired to do anything with the kids or around the house but expects sex! Why? Because he's a man! Right. Well, I'm a woman and a way to my heart is to have some understanding about how I feel.

He came home with a puppy the last time. I didn't want a dog in the house. I am not a dog person. I have nothing against animals or their owners. But I have to have my house clean!

My son just started walking and he puts everything in his mouth! It's just gross to me. He doesn't care about how I feel or what I say.

The verbal abuse is out of hand. I'm just alone and tired. I mean I could be a real B! and easily be one of those women that uses him for his money and has another man taking care of her when he isn't home and I don't.

And he still worries about my attitude instead of trying to figure out what is wrong with us, with him, with me, he prefers to get a divorce! COWARD! So what now? I don't know.

I took off my rings... I sent him a text and said I give up and he wins. Pray? Ok and in the meantime???

Comments for Married but single

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Sep 06, 2012
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stfu NEW
by: brigz

stfu bitch n lay some pipe for ur man!

Jun 14, 2012
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AGREE NEW
by: Anonymous

You go GIRL!!!!!

Jun 01, 2012
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Thanks NEW
by: Liz

Hello everyone. Thank you all for your comments even the negative ones. I am going to fight for my marriage until I can't anymore. My kids and I deserve it. He has agreed to counseling and I pray that this helps. I want him to see that I do love him but like you all said, there is no excuse for any kind of abuse. I refuse for my kids to see that ever especially form any parent. I am glad I came across this site. I hope to continue to keep you all posted and also one day be able to give some good advise to someone else like you all have. Yes we all have chosen these men with these lives but we can make this life style work too! Xoxox

Jun 01, 2012
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Now this what I call compassion!! NEW
by: Helonwheels

To the ladies who wrote the last 2 post,

Your comments are filled with empathy, compassion, and sincerity this is what helping others is all about. God helps us to choose the right words of wisdom and compassion to allow others to know we care and understand. You are right, never stand for abuse, or uncaring words, what for? This will lead to low self esteem and many more problems arise from that alone.

I have a prayer in my mind and heart for all the ladies who struggle with the trucker lifestyle, follow the Lord he will take you where you need to be!

God Bless! :)

Helonwheels

Jun 01, 2012
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just sharing NEW
by: Anonymous

God allows divorce if your spouse abandons you, and refuses to come back, or cheats on you. My husband is a long haul truck driver too, and he did both of these things to me. I felt devastated. He even got divorce papers, and put them in front of me to sign, telling me that he wasn't in love with me anymore. I refused to sign them. I told him I didn't get married to get divorced. Six months later, he came back. Six months after that, his secret lover managed to get my number, and she called me, and told me everything. He realized he made a mistake, and tried to end it with her. She got mad, that's why she called me, with the hopes of destroying his life with me. I am still married, because he was truly sorry for what he had done. Since then, he's everything I could ask for in a husband. I married him with a sincere heart. I'm as much in love with my husband, if not more, than the day I married him. I am thankful that I didn't rush into getting a divorce, and I'm thankful I had the heart to forgive him. We both are. I get lonely too, when he's gone for long periods of time, and so does he, but we talk on the phone several times a day. I guess what I'm trying to say, is, sometimes, you just need to let some time go by, before you make a decision to get a divorce, because things could change for the better. Unfaithfulness isn't the unforgiveable sin in God's eyes. If your husband is putting your life in danger, I'd say get away from him, but from what you've said, your husband is a good man. I hope things work out for you.

May 31, 2012
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hi married but single NEW
by: Anonymous

I have read some of the comments now wht i will say to u abuse is abuse. weather its verbal or hitting you. God alwows us to let us out of our marrige for any abuse or if they cheat on you. If he is doing either 1 of those you need to think of your kids and your self now. also if you want your kids to see you to be treated this way. Dont stay just cause you have kids it never works that way. My husband is also otr and he has cheated and there have been things said the should never say. we are on our way to divorce as well. I dont want it but the lies and other thing I can no longer take. yes, do pray but u r stronger than you know. talk to someone like councleing even if he wont go you should for you. be safe and take care of your self so you can take care of the kids. Im not say leave im not saying to stay that is no 1 to say that but for you and god.
God bless

May 31, 2012
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Hervy has sound suggestions!! : ) NEW
by: Anonymous

TY!!

May 31, 2012
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Sad situation NEW
by: Hervy

Hello Liz,

I am lost with the, "He thinks I want him to pay my bills"

I thought you 2 were married. How would he pay your bills.

In any case. It is a sad situation and I hate to hear anyone living this type of life. I definitely needs counseling and you have to be more forceful in suggesting it.

You said that you never say anything, that you were silent. That is not going to bring about change.

Even if he doesn't agree to counseling right now, I think you should get counseling yourself to have an outside professional opinion on how to navigate through this in the best way.

It's not healthy for you to deal with this alone. And DO NOT seek the comfort of any man (just covering that ground in case). A professional counselor should give you good sound advice based on all of the details that you provide.

With all that is going on, you should take our comments and suggestions very lightly since we know little about the details and background.

Take care of yourself and family. Best of luck.
Hervy

May 31, 2012
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Okay I hear a lot of Negativity Here????? NEW
by: Anonymous

I do not believe that the individual who wrote this very important post was setting herself up for a bunch of other women to degrade her, punish her, tell her she is doing the wrong thing, placing all the blame on her?????

All I have to say to all you so called women who feel the need to send out negative messages to others who are clearly stating their grief, really need a lesson in compassion.

Do you really think that people listen to this type of negative feedback!! Get real and as matter of fact grow the heck up!!!

Dear Married but single,

Your husband is incorrect when he tells you that every other woman does what you do staying at home in a trucker lifestyle. There are not as many trucker wives as there are wives who are married to men in other fields of employment that keep them at home to raise their family.

First of all most women will not choose a trucker to marry. And your husband knows this. Second, the odds are against trucker wives in having a male figure in the home to help with rearing children. This lifestyle is a matter of choice. It is not for everyone.

So your choice to do what you have to is just that, your choice and you are the only one who can make this choice not these clown women on this site!

I would like to leave here on a positive note so you wont hold judgement on other trucker wives. There are women who are in a positive relationship with a trucker and that lifestyle.

I would like to commend you on your strength to take hold of your life and especially for keeping your children safe from all the rif raf that surrounds you, keep up the good work!!! :)


May 30, 2012
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THINK ABOUT THIS NEW
by: Anonymous

For some reason, you feel the strong urge to expose his parents and your parents dirty laundry. Feel empathy for them, rather than anger. Look at your own life, and understand that you made a commitment. Honor it. I am starting to feel that it isn't about the children, it's about you aching for intimacy and companionship on a regular basis. Your husband is making a living.You think because his job keeps him away from home a lot that he doesn't deserve to be loved, and to have a family? Get over yourself. Do what's right in the eyes of God, and everything will work out for you. You walk away, and everything that you attempt to do is going to fail, because, God hates divorce. How do you think people stay married for 50 or 60 years? I say this to your benefit, and not to be cruel.

May 30, 2012
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More... NEW
by: Liz

My husband is a good man and he provides what he knows best which is going tot work and making money, but there is more to life then that. In my household when I was a child that's what I saw and maybe that is why I married a man just like that. He on the other hand didn't have that. His father was in jail from when he was 6 and came out when he was 16. His parents fought all the time and it was a verbally and physically abusive home. That is what he saw and that is what he knows. My parents never fought in front of us. They are separated now but on every special occasion they are together. His parents can't be in the same roof without drama. I know neither of us are prefect but I would think he wouldn't want his kids going through what he went through as a child. But that is what he knows. They curse for everything, they yell all the time and they never have anything positive to show in life. But with us now we have a house and he was bettering his situation, his outcome was looking up. He has no good role models in his life. His fights are with him always saying something negative about my family. I NEVER mention his family. I never say things that will hurt him. I just figured we could go to counseling and we could both be helped as a team. He says he doesn't want to be with me anymore so I guess it's time to move on. I am trying to sell Body By Vi products to make some money so he can come home more, I've even been to consumer connections to make some extra cash. He doesn't see anything I do. He doesn't listen to anything I have to say about anything. So why should I keep trying?

May 30, 2012
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listen NEW
by: Anonymous

You both entered into a marriage commitment. Let your children see their mother honor it, so they will grow up to respect the institution of marriage. Stay home, raise those children. It's your husband's responsibility to pay the bills, not yours. Your a mother, a homemaker, a wife. That's your role. Don't make yor life harder, by having to go out into the world and make a living to support yourself and your children. If your husband is unwilling to provide for his own house hold, he is worse than an unbeliever, then just let him go. Walk with integrity, so your children will grow up to be people with integrity. Don't let them hear you speak words of condemnation against their grandparents, or their dad, even if they are unworthy of being praised. Make your children your priority in life, in the end, they will be there for you, honoring you for the sacrifices you made for them. Hang in there. Your in a place where your own personal needs for intimacy and companionship aren't being met. Those are the consequences of being married to a truck driver. I'm married to one, so I should know. It's your family unit. Hold it together, or let it go.

May 30, 2012
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why blame her NEW
by: Anonymous

I to am married to a truck driver and i know what you're saying it's the hardest thing i ever been through, i don't understand why some women think its bad of us to say negitive things about ours husbands, the one who say we are in the wrong are the one's who are having there husbands pay there bills while they have other men step in and be there lovers whiles there husband are gone for months at a time,,,, yea i know the game they play and they do it well. I've seen it happen right in front of me. I truly love my husband and i know what he goes through out there i've been with him alot on the road and see what's out there to and there are plenty of women out there who are just nasty wanting good men to do wrong on there wives,girlfriends, and it makes me sick to hear of good women who stay at home and do there very best to take care of the children and the rest of it alone,,, I wish i could make it all better for us all but we just need to put it in Gods hands and he will help. I know this because its what i had to do.. I'm much more happy now and i can talk to my husband and he knows i love him and i will and do stand by him not behind him.... So mother of 2 hold your head high and stand your ground and let God do the rest. I wish you the best but you will be just fine.

May 30, 2012
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Reply to anonymous NEW
by: Liz

Thank you for your comment anonymous. I don't agree with you though. Yes I did know what I was getting myself into, but it was very different in the beginning. He was home at least once a week, usually gone no more then 2 weeks. It was ok when we were single and not married with kids. I never asked not to work. I do everything to save money so he can't use it as an excuse that we need the money. I didn't come here to make myself be the victim, I know I am wrong too. I have told him for us to go to counseling, but he says for what he doesn't need the help. It works both ways and for a marriage to work he has to put in the effort not come home when he feels he has made enough or when he is tired. I try to be happy for him, but it's hard. I want our family to stay a family. And I don't complain ever. I am the one that never says anything ever. I just don't like being attacked or blamed for our unhappiness. I have hopes that things will change for us and for the kids. I want to help him get his own company, etc. but he feels I want him to pay my bills. I don't need that. I can do that myself.this is the first time in my life I am not working.

May 30, 2012
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We all make mistakes NEW
by: Anonymous

It was never God's plan for children to be raised by one parent, but because you made a choice to marry a truck driver, you set yourself up to be in the position that your in. You can't blame your husband for your loneliness, and frustrations. He was a driver when you met him. Now, you've set your kids up, to be children of divorce. I don't know what his parent's issues or your parent's issues have to do with your issues with you and your husband, your both adults, take full responsibility for your actions, and leave the parents out of it. Your blaming everyone but yourself for what's happening in your life. Maybe you should go to college, and get an education, so that you can provide for your children. Sounds to me, like you drove your husband to want a divorce, by all your complaining. Think about what your doing to yourself, to your children, and to your husband.

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