drama queens monopolizing my husbands time and attention, any advice?

by Laura
(Vancouver BC)

I have an issue I would like some feedback on.

My trucker has a sister ( 43 yrs ) who just left her boyfriend and entered a new relationship and he also has an adult daughter of 27 yrs.

Both of them seem to want to monopolize his time both over the phone, texting and having him stop by on his trips ( which results in longer periods away from home ). Sometimes we will try to go out for dinner or lunch and he spends most of his time texting them while we are out.

Now I am not a complainer by nature and certainly am not as dramatic as the both of them; therefore... not demanding. These two seem to want him to be their sounding board and Mr. Fixit for their personal issues, which kind of leaves me out of the picture .

I tried to bring this up to him but he thinks I am jealous of the time he spends with them and thinks I am overreacting and possessive.

Any suggestions? Hervy???? Is blood thicker than water? Am I just water???

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Feb 14, 2012
drama queen NEW
by: tracy

I really cant believe some of the responses i have been reading that these people have giving you.. Drop him like a hot potato ? really? Blood is thicker then water, so drop it? He has hours and hours to driving time that he can be there sounding board.. They do not need to be calling when hes home.. I understand that they also need help getting things done but so do you..they need to do what we do when hes not home,, we take care of it... WE fix it or patch it or if need be call a repair person to do it.. If your married, he married you..not his sister and not his daughter....Shes grown..so act like it... Daddy wont be there forever...Talk to him, tell him how you feel...if you two cant talk about everything.....Then what do you have? When your with a otr driver what else do you really have? when hes home if you two cant visit his sister or daughter as a couple, then theres a problem...We do everything together when hes home.. I do mean everything...to showers to doctors appt. You only have a short window of time to do and get done everything you need to and want to get done..My husbands hasnt seen his mother or grandmother in months but he talks to them almost daily while im at work..when my works over its me time.. No other call is important....

Jul 12, 2011
Thanks Hervy
by: Laura

It's like my hubby read this... I spoke with him and things have gotten so much better. He does not respond to their texts that have come in while we are together.... some late at night, some early in the morning... Such a change...what a relief. Thanks again. :-)

Jul 05, 2011
by: Laura

Thanks for that.I thought the same thing, I guess it could be someone unrelated. So far, he does not bring the phone in the bedroom, so no worries there. His sister recently moved to another province, I thought things would improve, but they pretty much stayed the same. I like your idea of ignoring him.... I will see what he is like when he comes home today. He has had some time to think about it now.

Jul 05, 2011
ignore him
by: Chrissy.

It is his sister and ur not ganna win this fight so dont bother. My man used to do the same thing and all I could do is suck it up and look at it like this... atleast he isnt with another woman that isnt related... the females that arnt related I tell him how it makes me feel and then if that dont work then... at dinner if he starts texting them I wont talk to him and would make a comment like Oh sorry I didnt know u were talking to me I thought u were texting. If he does it in the bedroom when u r laying next to him then move away from him and ignore him. He will start to think about it and give u more attention. This might take some time but he will come around. I hope this helps

Jul 04, 2011
by: Laura

Wow Lara, you are a very stong minded individual. I have seen you have dispensed the same advice to others. I have no intention of "dropping him like a hot potato" and would prefer to try and work it out first. Are you currently dating or married to a trucker? You do not sound like a happy woman. Currently, this is the only hiccup in the relationship which is more than I can say for most of what I have read from others here. Sometimes good things take a little effort, I dont run away everytime an issue arises. I think that makes for a very lonley person.

Jul 04, 2011
Drama Queen
by: Lara

Yes, Laura, blood is thicker than water. If you are not married to this guy you should dump him like a hot potato. He likes the attention all you women are giving him and will never quit if you bug him about his relationship with his sister and his daughter. Give it up now before you get in too deep.

Jul 04, 2011
thank you
by: Laura

Thanks for your comments Hervy. He truly is a good man, and I just brought this to his attention recently. I think he became defensive right off the bat, then had time to think about it while on the road. He comes home late tonight... I will give him time to unwind and bring it up after he has been home and had a good rest. I am most definately not a jealous person - just getting tired of their games....It's really not fun going out with my man and watching him text them 3/4 of the time we are together. Maybe he just did not realize....

Stay tuned, I will let you know how it goes. Thanks again.

Jul 04, 2011
Part 1 How about I play Mr fix it for you! :-)
by: Hervy

Hi Laura,

Sounds like a very stressful situation your in. Especially since hubby doesn't have a clue of his actions. (Assuming your not jealous, ;-)

Really, this is not uncommon among men, often though the man realizes the truth in reality once pointed out. Doesn't seem your husband does.

I don't know exactly how hard you have been on him about it, that may determine your next best move. If you have been on him hard and he is annoyed, (depending on his personality) talking to him further at this point may be counter productive. In this case I would say marriage counseling is needed. A married man is NOT supposed to invest more time and interest in his sister or daughter than his wife. Especially in non emergency ongoing life issues. Of course he is blood and there should be concern but there should also be boundaries.

If you can talk to him about it again without him tuning you out and looking at you negatively for bringing it up....

Talk about how the role he is playing in their life at this point is counter productive to their relationships to the men in THEIR lives. He may be causing their relationship problems. In any case it's not right.

If he contests that theory ask him this...
1. How would he like it if you had a brother or father that you dealt with to the same extent in your relationship to him? Assuming that he is truthful, he will see that he would feel that man is imposing on your life and he would feel that you were wrong for letting him and not having boundaries. He would feel alienated, distant, unappreciated, inadequate, etc.

That being the case, this is exactly what he is causing to the men in his sister and daughter's lives. Obviously that would affect how those men acted in the relationship.

to be continued...

Jul 04, 2011
Part 2 How about I play Mr fix it for you! :-)
by: Hervy

So the question is? Does he care about sis and daughter? If so, he would want to do what's best for them right? If yes, wouldn't the best thing to do be to set boundaries for them since they won't? The answer is yes.

However, if he still can't or pretends he can't see your point, we are back to marriage counseling because he has as much of a problem as they do. Not the worse thing but still a problem.

I have a similar problem with wanting to help people too much. If I had a girl, I can tell you I would have to change a lot of things and set more boundaries. Even now I have to not do things that I at first want to do because I think it is too much and goes too far plus people get dependent mentally and otherwise. (Clinically this is said to be a self esteem issue. hmmm lol)

Anyway my point is, I see that this is probably a good guy, but it doesn't take away the fact that he is doing harm if not to their relationships then to his with you. It takes a little selflessness to give it up because it does feel good to help people but it can become a selfish thing.

Sometimes I wonder if I help for me or for them. That's why there is a need for boundaries. It's possible to help people for your own pleasure. Especially if you are not aware of the difference.

So his plan should be to help in a structured thought out way intentionally discouraging dependance and encouraging the ability to become self reliant. And especially not taking the place of the man in their relationships.

Best of luck Laura, sorry for the book!
let us know how it evolves.

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