Where did things go wrong?

by Sharayah
(Missouri)

I'm a mother of a beautiful two year old girl named Zoe, and I'm also the wife of a trucker. I'm 23, and my husband is 25. He's been trucking now for almost 2 years.

He worked for a company that promised him he'd be home every other week for the his first year. What they meant by that is you can drive by and basically wave.

So I've been on my own, taking care of everything from our house, our bills, our daughter. I have to play Mommy and Daddy, because he is literally never here.

He recently started working for an owner operator company out of Oklahoma (where his family lives and where he is originally from). He said it would be so much better, he'll make a lot more, and he'll be home two weekends a month, plus if he ever wants to take time off, he can, bc he pays for the truck and everything else.

Well let me tell you, he sure fooled me. Because I've seen him ONE whole day since he's been working there for the past 5 months. If he ever gets to stop through... which literally never happens, he'll be here for maybe an hour. Maybe.

I feel so resentful, and angry, and hurt. He thinks as long as he is quote "providing for his family and the bills are paid" then that makes it ok.

But it's not ok.

There is more to a marriage than financial. He should be involved in our lives and be here for the important things. He should be there for me emotionally.

He's missed every single bday for our daughter. He's missed Christmas, Thanksgiving, and as of today our wedding anniversary is now canceled.

We had this amazing treehouse cottage booked in Eureka Springs for over two months. I even had a surprise miniature wedding cake being custom made for him as a surprise. He got the weekend off for our 3 year wedding anniversary. We were supposed to leave tomorrow afternoon (Friday) and not come back until Sunday. He called me today and said "I'm sorry. But I just can't afford to take off. Your going to have to cancel".

I was crying my eyes out on the phone begging and pleading him to still take off and we can go down there and eat bologna sandwiches for all I care, and he said no. So now I have a wedding cake that I'm sitting here and looking at, and no one to share it with.

He always does this. Anytime we have something planned, he cancels last minute. He hasn't seen me in a month and a half. Like I said earlier, last time he was here, it was for an hour. He drives by himself also. Who cancels their wedding anniversary? Especially since we've had it planned for over two months.

I guess I know where I stand with him. If he can't take off for important events like that, then when will he? I can't trust him or count on him. Because something always happens. Something always falls through.

He tried to tell me that because I had been severely ill with a kidney infection, then that's why he can't take off. Oh so now it's my fault because I was sick? Wow. That's a new one.

Last night, I went to the grocery store to get snacks for our trip, because as of last night, we were still going. I was so excited to get away and spend time with him. I got all of his favorite things. I even bought some sparkling grape juice since I can't drink alcohol with the antibiotics and pain killers I've been on.

Right before I go into the store I am on my cell phone with him and he randomly says out of the blue "I don't wanna have sex when we're on our anniversary" I was kind of caught off guard, because my husband has never NOT wanted sex, he's 25 for crying out loud. I was like "Ummm but we haven't seen each other in almost two months? It's our anniversary and you don't want to have sex? What did I do?" and he says "Eh, we can spend time together without having sex. I'm just not in the mood. I won't be, like ever. My sex drive is gone."

I have to admit, that really hurt when he said that. I know relationships and marriages aren't all about sex, it's never been that way for me. But he's always always wanted sex, plus he's a trucker for goodness sake and never gets to see me. How can he just be like "I don't want to have sex with you anymore". So I was hurt and I asked "ok am I that undesirable or something?" and he goes "It's not you. It's me." Yes, he officially used that cliche line on me. I was just stunned.

Then 12 hours later, all the sudden things change and because of supposed "financial reasons" he's canceling all of our plans for our anniversary, and not even taking off for it. Really? I'm still pinching myself to see if it's all real. It just makes me wonder if there is someone else or something?

A man who is 25, NEVER home, doesn't want to have sex with me anymore, and cancels our anniversary trip the day before. It just seems very suspicious to me. I know I'm not crazy for thinking it's suspicious. It's five kinds of messed up.

I'm sorry if I'm irritating anyone. But I need a safe place to vent, and for people to understand where I'm coming from. This seems like the place. What do you ladies think about all of it?

If you ask me, he left this marriage a long time ago. It's as if all he is, is a paycheck. Because that's literally all he provides. Money isn't everything. If he's on his death bed someday in the future, he's not going to be going "thank goodness I worked all the time and never saw my family" he's going to be wishing he would of seen us and spent time with us.

He may not have a family to come home to eventually. There is only so much hurt, and abandonment one can take. And I'm up to my limit.

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Jun 22, 2011
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Be strong
by: Anonymous

Be strong. Be independant and get out. Find some sort of roof to put over your head, some sort of financial assistance for a single parent, a lawyer, a job to earn income and someone trustworthy to mind bubs while you work. You deserve better than him.

Jun 12, 2011
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UNSAT!
by: Anonymous

Sounds like this young man has his priorities off base a country mile. Additionally, he needs an untimatum and now. Sometimes you just have to demand the right decisions be made in a marriage. You do not deserve this treatmant and further more, no woman does! (Marriage = Partnerhsip) I hope you two can get back on track but be prepared to turn right at the next crossroad! We only live once so make sure you are enjoying yourself! Good luck.

Mar 15, 2011
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Hello
by: Anonymous

Sometimes we are confronted with a lot of difficulties in life specially within our marriage and family members. But as a married woman to a truck driver too, we don't give up everything such as the relationship, responsibility and most specially don't ever give up being a wife and a mother. We don't throw the towels out and surrender. I know you'd say its easy for me to say coz i'm not the one going through it. You can say that again but I've already gone through alot myself. And if I am just a weak-hearted women out there, I would have given up long time ago. But I didn't. You know why? Because like we always say, God is the only one who has reasons for all of these. It isn't happening just because it has to happen. There must be reason. And the other thing I refused to give up is I have 3 kids who needs me. If i give up on life, what do u think would happen to them if ever? They'll gonna stray and shattered coz their mom gave up without putting a fight. You and your husband are both still young. You're just starting your life and family. Its like taking your first step to another chapter that you need to go through and examine. Of course life is filled with challenges. But they teaches you how to become a better person; giving you the will to move on and try again when you fail the first time and learn from our mistakes. Don't give up on your husband that easy. Pray for him, for your marriage and for your kids. God never want husband and wife to lead a separate lives. He united them in marriage and we made a vow that whatever happens, to richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. Pray can move mountain. You just have to put your faith on it. Seek a marriage counselor and find time to attend marriage encounters to strengthen your relationship or put it back on track again. But still, prayer and faith in God and in your husband is the best way to resolve everything. You can always come here and talk to friends to vent it out. Its natural, but don't be harsh in making decision. Haste make waste. For the sake of your kids, I know there's still chance to save your marriage. I will pray for both of you that you find ways to keep your vows, be happy again and spend more time with the family and devote more time for you. May your guardian angel guides you for all the things that you'll do. God bless and Good Luck. And Pray. He is always there to listen whenever you need help. (",)

Mar 10, 2011
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Sorry to Hear
by: Anonymous

I just wanted to say that Im sorry to hear about what you're going through. Obviously,he doesnt realize what it takes to make a marriage work,especially when you're married to a trucker.My husband cant imagine not coming home to see me or our 3 kids. I know you have to pay the bills,but being with your family is also important too.He's missing out on his daughter's life! I would tell him straight out that you cant live like this anymore and either he makes you and your daughter a priorty,or he can have his divorce.

Mar 06, 2011
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who knows
by: Anonymous

So so so sad. sorry your going through this. The phone call makes me more confident in how I was planning on responding to your initial post.

American Trucker summed it up....
Seems he is using trucking as an excuse to be away from the marriage. (Whether it started out that way or evolved, you may be able to decipher looking back) This happens often enough that I have written about it before. It's sad and hard to face but there are a lot of clues going on here that points to this reality.

I was going to suggest a direct conversation telling the things on your heart like you posted the first time. It seems that you did and it resulted in what I hoped it would not result in, him blowing up and trying to flip things on you.

It seems that you have really come to terms with reality on your own about what your actually dealing with. That's good.

When he comes with that opposite apologetic (predictable) attitude see if he will agree to attending counseling as a last resort about his attitude (when also seems to need anger management, unless it is 100 percent manipulation)
and how properly treat people in relationships, especially his wife and mother of his child.

If he rejects this, (don't take my word seek a counselor on your own) it would seem to me that your options are very limited and it's only natural and important for you to protect yourself and child from exposure to this behavior.

You should send him emails trying to confront him and resolve issues. Fix the relationship, etc.
The reason I say this is, if he responds to emails with all that hatred and corrosive words, you can print it out and retain them in case they are needed as proof of what you were living with.

I would say record the phone conversations, (and I would) but I don't know the legality behind that other than it is illegal to record someone without them knowing. You may want to talk to a lawyer about the details on if that would be usable for your future intentions.

Contact your local woman's resource center and ask questions about how to prepare for what ever course of action you are wanting to pursue.

Good luck and I hope this works out for the best.
(Do not put off doing something)

Mar 05, 2011
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so sorry
by: Anonymous

Just wanted to say my heart is breaking for you. Stay strong and hug on the little one of yours. Prays are with you. God Bless

Mar 05, 2011
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advice
by: american trucker

There are free lawyers out there just need to look.can file on your own also.
But you need to do what is right an honest for u and child.no matter what anyone else says.

Best of luck to you.

Mar 05, 2011
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Author Update
by: Sharayah Raleigh

I"M THE AUTHOR OF THIS POST: An update for all of you. I tried to talk to him last night on the phone. Out of nowhere he had one of his crazy bi polar mood swings and said that he was "tired of talking to people on the phone who act like everything is fine one minute, and not the next. So I'm getting off the phone, bye." And he hung up on me.

I just sat there stunned. Wondering what I had said that was so wrong. So I sent him a text message telling him That he can be so mean sometimes. That must of been a mistake, because then it caused a text war and he told me that I'm the most ungrateful person he's ever met in his life and he's tired of my crap and wants out. I said "Crap? What crap? You mean me actually wanting to see you more than once every few months?" And he texted back "I want a divorce".

I sat there crying. He HAS said this before when he gets in hid down moods. But that doesn't make it excuseable or right. He then proceeded to call me, and started verbally abusing me. Told me I'm nothing "but a stupid housewife, who can't do crap" and he called me "an ungrateful b*tch". He then proceeded to tell me that He's going to take me to court and "own that little girl"...(which is funny, because I have stayed home and taken care of her since the day she was born. I play Mommy and Daddy, I do it all for her. I'm the one who is there for her when she is sick and stays up all night with her. That's me. Not him.) And last time I checked, she's not a possesion and not something you "own". No judge in their right mind is going to give custody to a verbally abusive father, who is never around, and drive OTR. He then proceeded to tell me he would get a different job then, but he will own her, and he hopes that I'm a single Mom and struggle so hard so I know what it's like. He also told me he hopes that I fail.

I got off the phone with him at that point. There was nothing I had left to say. He didn't deserve my time or what I had to tell him. He must obviously think those hurtful things about me, or why else would he say them? He called back 4 hours later before I went to bed. I answered and he said "Hi sweetheart. I just wanted to call you before you went to bed and say I'm sorry for what I said. I don't want you to go to bed mad at me, or me go to bed mad at you." and I was silent, and said "Good night" and hung up. He always does this. He'll call back later and apologize, as if that's an excuse for it to all be ok like it never happened.

Well not on my watch. Last time I checked, it's NOT ok to EVER talk to your wife like that. It IS abuse. I'm not going to have it. If he said he wants a divorce, then a divorce he will get. I just have to figure out how to play my cards right, and how I'm going to afford a lawyer and everything else. I don't know what to do. Any advice or support would be very helpful. Thank you so much.

Mar 05, 2011
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Went wrong
by: american trucker

Wow sounds like he used trucking to get out of marriage point blank.In my own opinion i would say see yaaaaaaaaa.You can do better.
american trucker

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