What am I doing wrong?

by JA

I am one of the fortunate ones that has her trucker home every weekend. We have been together for 5 1/2 years and married for 2. And now have a beautiful 5 month old baby girl.

As a friend I am so proud of him, appreciate what he does for us, understands what he goes through. As a wife I am lonely and disappointed in myself for feeling so negatively. I truly want to be more supportive.

I know the differences between men and women. He is so torn between not happy at home and not happy at work. He can not seem to find a balance, or at least that is what he tells me. In my heart I know that trucking is in his blood and that he will not stop for anyone. I can not even convince myself that he does it for the money cause we are barely getting by. I feel like he would choose trucking over me even though right now he would not admit that.

I have so many thoughts running through my mind, so many questions. So here it is, the distance he travels shows in the distance between us. When he comes home there is an adjustment period and by the time you are comfortable around each other again its time for him to leave. Then I am left to miss him again for another week, they are no longer my days they are just the days in between him coming home. I know you can say go get a hobby...but what I want is to feel loved. Loved enough to make it through the week. When he is home he is so tired and would rather just sleep all weekend, does not even shower right away and therefore not that interested in getting physical. I feel so empty. He doesn't even sit beside me. And perhaps that has nothing to do with trucking, or everything to do with it. I dont know anymore.

I have read a few of the stories on here now, some say such wonderful things like honeymoon, and holding hands, cuddling. I get none of that, says he is just to tired. I hate saying such horrible things, he is truly a wonderful person, and says he loves me very much. How can I make this better. How can we become what we need each other to be?

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Dec 20, 2009
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Whats its not.
by: JA

I reread some of the input on here, and I really dont think its about the porn, or another women, or spending time with others. I cant help but think wonderful women like Jennifer on here must be getting so tired of trying to preach the postive side of being a truckers wife.

I seriously doubt I can continue on like this. I love him, I love him so much, and believe that he is being faithful. Simply put, we live completely separate lives, we have different friends, his work can not be a common interest for us, I have no support system here. He seems so focused on how much money he can make that month, or how many miles he can get in....and makes that so much a priority. Feels like money is a bigger priority then spending quality time with family is. I dont want his money (which there really isnt any cuz trucking is an expensive job to have) All I have ever wanted was time. Time. The only thing he can not give me is the one thing I need.

I take my fair share of blame (WAY more then i would put on him), I have come to the point where I dont need his affection anymore, Im numb. Its easier that way. Once you start missing something so much you need to find a defense mechanism to cope. I shut out physical requirements. I would not blame him if he found someone else to sleep with, at this point Im not even mad. Sometimes I find myself even pull away when he trys to get close, there is a serious lack of connection. One odd trend that I find on here, and perhaps its just me, but most of the women that are saying they are so happy are the ones that are not in their first marriages anymore. Is there a secret to that? And I have also read somewhere that she knew what she was getting in to. Im sick to death bout hearing that, you may think you know, but no one can predict the future. Had I known I was gonna feel like this, do you really think I would have married him.

I want to want him so badly, I know the grass isnt greener. I just want to be able to share my life with someone, to raise a family with someone. Trust me Im not purposely trying to focus on the negatives, him and I even get along, make great friends. Im just so lonely, and keep thinking life is to short to have to live it so lonley.

But he loves me, and Im so lucky for that. And he wants to take care of his family. So why oh why cant i just accept this? I would so break his heart if i left. Soooo confused! And yet Sooo tired of living like a zombie. I have hobbies, I have friends, I have a child...I know how to keep busy but that does not make my heart feel any less sad.

Nov 26, 2009
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Red Flags Girl
by: Dottie

My husband would come home "tired." The reason he was so tired was because he had a mistress on the road. He also was distant. He would not hug me or rarely hold hands, he let things around the house go all the time, and he took his cell phone with him everywhere he went. I begin to check the billing statement, got a detailed call list and found a number he was always calling. He could not have sex with me because "she" was getting it all on the road. If I was a betting woman I would bet he was having an affair.

Nov 12, 2009
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Moving Forward
by: Anonymous

Listen gal, HE HAS TIME FOR EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING BUT YOU??? WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? Does he have a computer? If he does you may want to look into whether or not he is egaging in porn...If so this could be another reason your relationship is suffering. It steals from the intimacy of your relationship.

I just see so many red flags. No one can tell you how to deal with your husband. You need to seek godly counsel and if he is not willing to work on your issues I think you will have found the answers to your questions.

Nov 01, 2009
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RE: Jennifers response
by: JA

Thank you. It has been rough on me, its rough on all truckers wives I know. Sometimes its hard to truly appreciate your situation until you know what others are going though. When your Kevin gets home, what is it like? Be honest, the day to day stuff.

I dont want to exaggerate, or make something out of nothing. I have been known to have high expectations. I just never thought I would feel like this, I love him so much, and he can be truly wonderful to be around.

I never have the feeling of oh i just wish you would go back to work, I dont want him to but never tell him cause getting emotional over him leaving for work does not help anyone.

Oct 31, 2009
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Agreed
by: Jennifer S

I agree with most of what every one has said. I do not believe this is you- but most likely him.


Sometimes we do not know what we have until its gone.

I strongly STRONGLY suggest talking about it. If that does nothing. Seek counseling. Do not let it go a lot farther.


I know there are occasions that even Keith and I feel a bit of a strain on the marriage. But we BOTH work very hard towards making sure it will continue to survive!

WE now have a facebook. There are many of us on it. It may be a place where you can go to get more support, and more questions answered by other women like ourselves, going through this same thing!!

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/Truckers.Wives

Please add us, and introduce yourself to our family ;)

Jennifer

Oct 31, 2009
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Spend time at his parents?
by: Jimmy

That is not a good sign. A wife and baby at home and he wants to spend valuable time at his parents. Jimmy

Oct 30, 2009
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RE: Jimmy part 2
by: JA

Jimmy, I also wanted to add the I NEVER have a honey to do list, he does that to himself. I NEVER have weekends planned, I know better. He would rather sleep or spend time at his parents away from us again. I could understand how that would be exhausting. I have no expectations what so ever of that man except to pick up after himself. I hate that I make him sound like a bad person, he truly isnt. He is usually the happy go lucky one. Im so discouraged.

Oct 30, 2009
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RE: Jimmy
by: JA

I really appreciate a mans point of view. I need it, I need someone to just open my eyes and say....this is how it is!! This is what his actions tell me. I am a firm believer that actions speak louder then words...always. His words tell me he loves me, doesnt want me to go, thinks im beautiful, and smart. But his actions say, he is tired of me, doenst want to spend time with me, is to busy for me, that I am simply not as important as the other things in his life. Do all truckers wives feel like that?

With regards to what kind of wife am I? Well I have held strong for a long time, I played the happy to see him wife, do what ever I can, be supportive. But almost since we got married things have changed, his schedule got worse, our debt has increased and I wasnt getting the same attention I once did. So, feeling like my love tank is on empty I have nothing to give, not even to fake. If he showed me affection I would do whatever I could to make him happy. Honestly. But shouldnt it be a give and take. Im sure his side of this would make me look like a real asshole, and no doubt I have been at times. I dont want to be an asshole anymore, I want to give us a chance but I find that so hard without the time to really make a difference. Easier to ignore everything knowing he is leaving in 2 days.

Oct 30, 2009
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I'll try to help.
by: Jimmy

Hi JA, from a man's viewpoint, he is losing/has lost interest. We all know that Men/Women view the world differently. If your guy wants trucking over a loving wife/5 month old baby, he is saying in a round-about way, you are not very important. It is beyond me how a guy can father a baby, then up and take a job which requires extended time away from home.

In 32 years of trucking and 7 wives, 5 were married to me while I was on the road. During home time, I couldn't wait to rejuvenate the closeness and loving feeling that I had been without for the past weeks. (incidentally, I never had kids, but lots of step kids).

Yes, I caught up on sleep, but, knew I only had a brief time to be close to my lady.

And believe it or not, some guys actually take a trucking job just to be away from "the ol' lady".

One thing you have to do is let hubby set the pace when he's home. Don't have 'honey do lists' waiting for him and the weekend planned either. He may want to just enjoy his big screen/easy chair. But he should really want to snuggle with his wife. Are you that sexy loving cheerful wife when he gets home? Jimmy

Oct 30, 2009
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by: JA

I do think he is one of those guys that just dont have a clue. We have opened communication, I have told him about all my concerns.. right down to the smokers cough. But, I have been down this road with him before. He will cooperate for a few days, tell me his is scared we are headed down the wrong path, tells me he loves me more then anything and wants things to work. Then nothing. He just goes back to ignoring things hoping that I will someday change. I know that is what he is waiting for.

Thing is, I moved so that I could live with him. I live in his home town around his family and I have no friends or family here. I know I should be working on that more, BUT that still does not change the fact that I do not feel important to him. How far is to far gone? Guess I can be the only one to answer that.

If you met him you would likely think I was crazy, he is a wonderful guy and is easy to see why I married him. He is the type of guy that everyone loves...its just that he puts so much into his trucking, and thinking about money and keeping busy that I feel like it wouldn't matter if I was here when he got home. I have been feeling like this for so long now.

I read so much on how to make your partner feel special when he gets home, doing his laundry, cooking meals etc. But what are they doing for you? Are they making you feel special? Money...DOES NOT make me feel special. I make my own, I can support myself. And I pay well over my fair share of the bills! I feel so jaded, Im not saying I want to leave him. I just want to feel married. Sorry......for all this. I guess I just really needed to vent. And positive Ive got lots more venting in me...about 5 years worth haha.

Oct 29, 2009
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Don't put it off!
by: Anonymous

After 27 years my husband has chosen truck driving. Here's the rub, up until about a yr ago we were beating the odds, we had all our dreams ahead of us, so close, and now my world is shattered. He has decided we should go our separate ways. There is no one else on either side he just prefers the open road and I want us to settle down. About 5 yrs ago I sensed a change tho he has always been wonderful to me there was a detaching going on and I have felt it very strongly this past year so I confronted him on the 27th of Sept and by October 1st our marriage was over.

So what I am saying to you sweet lady, is next time he is home and you make that favorite dinner and you are hopefully able to relax, and by the way get a sitter, this could be a defining moment in your marriage, you need to point blank ask him if he wants a future with you or if he would rather be a single man.

You only ask this if you are really ready for the answer. If he really wants to salvage the marriage then it will be a time to share your concerns about feeling disconnected and see what he says and if he is willing to make some changes.

If you get the response you are afraid you may get then you better start putting together a contingency plan.

You guys have it really good if he is coming home every weekend but if he is intentionally squandering opportunities to nurture your relationship that is a big red flag. However he could just be one of those men that don't really have clue and does not really see how he is neglecting you and you may just need to jolt him into reality.

I hope things work out for you whatever happens. This is a tough road we women or spouses hold when we are married to a driver. God bless and let me know how it goes.

My blogs are titled "Moving Forward" if you want to read them.

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