Help! I need some advice

by Tiffany

Hi, my name is Tiffany, this is a little lengthy but please bare with me. I will greatly appreciate any and all advice. My boyfriend is leaving for his training for truck driving next week in another state, and will be gone for a few weeks.

I am the one that suggested going to truck driving school to begin with; however, I believe that I am starting to regret this.

I started reading stories from others with experience of dealing with being in a relationship with a truck driver, and I have not found a positive story so far.

He has been married before (divorced for three years) and also has a four year old son, whom I adore; however, his family and even he have said some things to that I interpreted to be that he tends to always run back to her over and over again. Although he has never bluntly said that, his family has implied it.

Although, his family has told me that they have never seen him act the way he does when he is around me (in a positive manner) I have still have insecurities about this. Also, sometimes he will say something like “I did such and such for so many years (with his ex-wife) and I wont do that again.” for example the other day I got a little bit emotional over some family and personal issues that are going on in my life at the moment, and he repeatedly would ask me what was wrong which I loved because it showed me that he might actually care a little bit, but I could not get myself to tell him what had upset me, all that I really wanted him to do is hold me, but my stubborn self would never say that.

And then he got mad and later said something to the fact that “he shouldn’t have to beg me to tell him what is wrong and he did it with his ex for however long that they were together and that he told himself that he would never do that again.” And this isn’t the first time that he has referenced his relationship with his ex-wife and then said that he would not do it with me.

This definitely upset me and I even told him that it makes it sound like he tried in their relationship but wouldn’t try in ours as he did in theirs. He never really replied to this, all that he said was that if he didn’t care about me that he wouldn’t be with me. We haven’t actually said those three magical words yet, and I totally respect that because I actually want to make sure that I mean it this time, I do believe that I love him, (I think; however I have a lot of doubt which I know isn’t a good sign) as in I care a lot for him, I am just making sure that it is actually love instead of just lust like it did in my previous relationship, that was a flame but burned out too quickly.

While that is one reason that I haven’t said it yet, other than the fact that he hasn’t said it. Also, that there is so much that he does that I bite my tongue about (which is another thing I don’t understand about myself, because normally I would have absolutely no problem saying something), such as: he has liked/likes a few other girls pictures on facebook from time to time, doesn’t communicate well, doesn’t feel like talking to his ex about anything other than about their son or the simple fact that he doesn’t tell me when they do speak, for that fact he never really tells me anything in general and when i ask him about something i feel like he feels like it isnt any of my business and that i have no right knowing something that he didnt volunteer information on, is always on his phone but it seems like it takes him forever to reply to me when we aren't together most of the time.

Also one of his ex-girlfriends still comments on some of his post on Facebook which is fine because one of my exs does that too but I don’t like the comment which is what he does, and not to mention that his family often comments/likes some of her post. I even told him once that i only feel as though he is with me only because he has nothing better to do.

Also, I understand that people show affection differently, and he does this a complete 180 than what I am used to. I spoke to his grandmother about this once and she said that he just had a guard up right now, because he has been hurt a lot, but for crying out loud my guard was a strong one but i feel like i no longer have one because i want him to understand my feelings and what bothers me, and I am the one with the trust issues but I try to open up to him and show him affection, but he acts like he doesn’t know what to do with that.

I honestly don’t know how he did it before he was hurt but I just wish that I had the opportunity to have that affectionate side of him that every one of his exs robbed me from. I don’t know how to help him understand how much that I do care for him. I have gone 1000x beyond what I have in any of my other relationships.

I feel like he should’ve realized by now that I care so deeply for him and that he can tell me things and open up to me, but it doesn't seem to be getting through to him. I am just worried that since we haven’t reached the point where I can be completely comfortable voicing my concerns in our relationship, that him being gone a lot that it will only make things worse.

I care so deeply for him and his family I literally feel like we have been together for years and that his family is my family.

I don’t really have a support system behind me so talking to anyone about any of these problems would just be wasting my breath, so if you could give me some advice that would help me tremendously.

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Mar 07, 2016
Partial but important advice
by: Hervy

OK, you asked for advice. I hope that you will take it in, DO IT, and not be defensive. First let me tell you this. I honestly think that both of you love each other and just don't open enough and explain what turns you on and off.

Because you have not been open and honest enough about your vulnerabilities and what you are looking for in a mate and the relationship. There is some cloudiness that leads to assumptions, false perceptions, mind wondering and guessing about each other and the relationship. That is a summary of what I think about you. I think you could be a beautiful couple if you get it right.

Having said that.....

The very first thing that you should do is read your post with an open mind. You will see major contradictions and flaws in your thought process and actions. I will point out a few. (By the way, this isn't all that uncommon.)

Also remember, I am talking to you so it is directed to what YOU can do. If i were talking to him I would tell him what HE could do differently.

1. You should tell him what is wrong when he asks. Not telling him is bad enough but you realize that and you still do it. And you already know that he had the same problem with previous relationship.

Then you said you do your best to communicate how you feel.

You also said he doesn't communicate well. (which could be true but...what about what you are doing or not doing)

2. The Facebook thing is petty and childish. A like on a comment is not that big of a deal. If the comments are not sexual or out of place then its mature adults just getting along. People do that on Facebook. If comments are sexual in nature and he likes it that is a different story.

I am assuming that both of you are open to each other's Facebook. That is lovely. Some couple don't even has the openess. Which obviously is a problem. I have talked to men and women whose spouse have unfriended them and denied access to their Facebook.

3. You mention that neither of you have mentioned something. I think it was talk about marriage or the future or something. Doesn't matter. What does matter is you are wondering about it but haven't brought it up. If you want to know, you should inquire. Don't wait for him to. But I will warn you, you need to look at your behavior first.

If you are naggin, criticizing and complaining and it is really you and not him that needs to correct your behavior more, than he will not answer or have an answer you don't want to hear about the future with you.

Know I am just being real here. I am a guy and I am telling you if a guy has learned what he wants in a relationship and gotten smart enough not to settle especially for something that he knows was destructive in his last relationship, it is a deal breaker.

So you could blank as him how you can be a better person in the relationship and work on that. Hopefully he will ask the same thing and if he doesn't you offer it to him anyway.

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