Afraid I Can't Do This
(Fort Worth, TX, USA)
Thak you so much for putting up a site like this. I cant tell if it's still being monitored, but I pray that it is, and you wonderful ladies can help me.
For almost a year, I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man who has character, integrity, confidence, and faith in God. He had an equally horrible ending to his first marriage, though in a different way, and was also praying that God would send him a specific woman.
We talk for hours, have a wonderful relationship, and I can honestly say that I've never met a man who gets me like he does. It is my belief that he is the one I prayed for, and he believes the same about me.
We were 1200 miles apart when we met, and in August of last year, I made the decision, after a lot of prayer, to move to his state so he could still be close to his 3 children. I've done a lot of things that I wouldn't normally do since meeting him, and so far, haven't regretted any of it.
Three months after I moved, he was offered a job driving OTR. I knew the job he had wasn't paying him enough, and this would give him the opportunity to make the kind of money he needed.
Still, I was really sad, because I never wanted to date a truck driver...I had been approached other times by men who drove OTR, but kindly turned them down, because I knew I wanted more attention than their job would allow them to give me.
The reality of this job is just as I thought, and I hate it. I feel like I've finally met the man I want to take care of for the rest of my life, and it hurts that he has a job that won't allow me to do that - at least, not the way I hoped.
My SO, to be fair, is being pulled in several different directions, and my relationship with him isn't the only thing that has had to adjust as a result of him taking this job. He has visitation with his children every other weekend, and has to leave them early on Sundays so he can begin his runs.
During his visitation, weekends, we talk a little, but I don't see him. When I moved here, I would see him Sunday evenings after dropping his children off at their mom's home, but since this new job, his brother has to drop them off now, because he has to be out on the road early on Sundays.
On a good run, he may be home one night in the middle of the week, but he will get in with just enough time to eat, shower, and sleep, and start over the next day.
As we have decided not to live together or do "other things" until we're married, even though he may come in the one night a week, and usually spend it with me, there are some times where he just wants to go home that one night and sleep in his own bed, which I understand.
He also doesn't have a lot of free time just to himself. Some people think that he has enough free time while he's driving, but I know better - he's out there working, and I really respect the effort it takes for him to do what he does.
I am doing my best to adjust. If his arrival time doesn't interfere with my son's bedtime, I pick him up from the airport when he comes in (he drives anywhere from 1-4 brand new semi trucks to dealerships across the country, and flies back home when he's done).
If he is spending the one night a week with me, I wash his clothes, make sure he has a home-cooked meal, and we talk until we're both too tired to talk anymore. The weekends that we have time together, he gives me his undivided attention, and we always have a great time.
I know this is hard for him too, so I don't bring up his job when we are together - there's really no point.
At the same time, I'm still adjusting to being in a new part of the country. Everyone I know is back in my home state - 1200 miles away. I don't have any new friends here, and haven't found a babysitter for my son yet - family members or close friends used to do all that for me.
If I were back home, this would be a little easier - I could spend the time with my friends, and even enjoy some alone time knowing my son was being taken care of by grandparents. As it stands, it's just me and my son, and my SO is the only person I know in the area.
I am a very social, and outgoing person, and with things the way they are, I am very, very, very, very lonely. My sister is also dating someone special, and when she tells me that she's getting ready to go out with her boyfriend, or mentions that they are in the middle of cooking dinner together, I tear up a little.
Everything we've done has been with my son, so we haven't had an official "date" yet - not to the movies, not to dinner, a walk through the park - nothing. Right now, I'm lucky if I see him more than 3 times a month...a MONTH!
I love this man. I am grateful to meet someone willing to make this kind of sacrifice to take care of his children, and provide for the woman he wants to marry at some point (me).
It took me 6 months to find a job when I moved here, and he really stepped up to make sure my son and I were taken care of - we had food, our lights were never turned off, we were always warm, and he even cut my little boy's hair the times I couldn't afford to get it done myself.
These are also the things that make me want to be with him more, so I feel like I'm in a tug of war with my head and my heart.
I keep telling myself that this will probably be better once we're married, because his home will be our home, and when his children come to visit, they will be at our place, but what if I never get used to this?
Will it ever get better? What can I do to get through this?
Sorry so long, but thanks for listening.