Strong on the Outside, Feeling a Little Weak & Hopeless on the Inside

by Adriana
(Garden City, KS)

When we got married

When we got married

Well let me start out by saying, that I'm 24 years old and we don't have any children yet and that I love my husband more than life itself.

I am going on 5 years married to my high school sweetheart. We've been INSEPARABLE since we started dating back in 2006, up until he became an OTR trucker last September.

I remember sitting on our bed folding our laundry having the discussion of whether or not we'd be able to do it, but of course, if the money's good, we can handle it right? WRONG!!!!

He left for his classes to learn how to truck drive in the middle of September. He was told that he wouldn't be making any money and boy they weren't lying when they said that either, well anyways he had 2 weeks worth of classes then 30 days of training, with a fellow truck driver.

I didn't get to see him until the week of Thanksgiving, it was a whole month and a half!! During that time it was especially hard for me to learn how to sleep by myself, not being held onto at night, not getting any kisses, sharing meals with my two cats, being single well practically.

It was especially hard for me when I ended up braking my foot in October and had no one to help me with anything. I would just bawl in the shower as i had to sit in the tub pretty much helpless. It was especially hard cause our anniversary falls in October, so no husband to celebrate with only a stupid cast and some crutches.

I remember when he wanted to come home i was crying the whole 4 hours to pick him up and I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest.

When I saw him it was like I fell in love with him all over again. However he only got to stay home for a week. Then he was gone again. It was hard too, because the entire time he was home he would just talk about trucking and all that crap, which i didn't mind at first, cause hell I was with my husband. Then it was back out again.

He's missed Christmas, my birthday in February, his birthday in May, and he comes home every month and half for about 4-5 days. Loneliness does seem to find it's way in my home.

I did try to find things to fill my day especially with my full time job i needed something in the evening, so i joined a gym. That would get in the way cause he was team driving for another 60 days after his first home time so there was no certainty of what time we'd get to talk on the phone.

It's very hard when he comes because I can't take off that many days off from work to be with him when's home, and he's always wanting to talk about trucking and since become a lease owner operator, he just wants to buy things for his truck and fix his truck.

You would think that with not getting to come home often, he'd want to enjoy "home." His truck breaks and he's out for like a week at a time and when the wheels aren't moving, there is no money being made.

His second seat is a bit of a horny fellow so my trust is in high demand for my husband, as I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt me, but the fear is always there.

I hate having to do everything at the house and being the husband and the wife, i learned how to change the oil and spark plugs for my truck, with my dad's help.

His personality has changed and I feel that our marriage is no longer his top priority, but yet when we do talk he always says how he's out there trying to make a better life for us and what not.

I am very proud of him and my hats off to any trucker, because it is dangerous and they move all the goods and what not around the US. But man, it's hard for the wives who are left at home to care for everything else.

There have been numerous times when i go shopping alone, or to the movies with my friends and to see other couples holding hands and happy makes me very sad. It sucks to be married but then be lonely also.

He's always in a bad mood but sometimes i feel that he doesn't see the effort i put in the relationship, i don't take my job out on him, i don't take out the frustrations of having my job hold us over when he's truck is broken and the bills need paid out on him, so who do i get to yell at?

Sometimes i feel that he takes him not being home more often out on me. Words sometimes can't describe the emptiness i really feel but yet i have to be strong, for him and for me.

We have tattoos that complete each other when we hold hands, it was off of our wedding invitations, it says "Love still stands, when all has fallen. " i just hope that above everything else, that remains true.

I welcome advice or just little words of encouragement from all the other wives who are strong, and hats off to you also.

Comments for Strong on the Outside, Feeling a Little Weak & Hopeless on the Inside

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Jul 08, 2012
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Lost sense of direction NEW
by: Joe

I am a grandfather and long time driver with a rock solid marriage to the girl of my dreams. I too have been a workaholic. During the first 10 years of driving I also got a BS Degree in Accounting & Finance, taking off winter & spring quarters from driving and studying feverishly for 6 months to get as many credit hours as possible to save money. The kids would see me studying when they got up and would see me studying when they went to bed. I hated the corporate world and have been driving ever since. My wife is very supportive of my dreams as I am of hers. She is a horse & rider trainer and is usually harder to pin down for "quality couple time" than I am. I'm sure that your youth is a primary factor in your depression. Our dreams of youth never seem to materialize in a manner similar to the way we dreamed they should. That goes equally for your husband. My suggestion for you is to create in yourself a passion for learning & growing as a person. If you get a CDL yourself you could team with your husband and retire in less than 10 years. Not many couples can say that. Or go to college or find a job or hobby you are passionate about. Life can be a great adventure, we just have to make it one. There is nothing more sexy to a man than a woman that has passion for living and a sense of adventure and the skills it takes to make things happen.

Jul 05, 2012
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stron on the outside NEW
by: Anonymous

Strong on the Outside,
Be honest with your Husband and let him know how lonely it is at home without him and asked that
when he comes home, he needs to make a commitment for that "date night". Date night should be just about being a couple; he owes that to you.

Jul 05, 2012
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stron on the outside NEW
by: Anonymous

Strong on the Outside,
Be honest with your Husband and let him know how lonely it is at home without him and asked that
when he comes home, he needs to make a commitment for that "date night". Date night should be just about being a couple; he owes that to you.

Jul 05, 2012
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Let Him Know NEW
by: Helonwheels

Your post is a perfect example of what you can talk openly and let him know. You can even copy it and hand it to him, even if he does not like what is being said he will know how your feeling. If he understands how you feel he will respect you even more for being open and honest. If he gets upset then it might be time for some professional counseling. To let animosities, guilt, or fear of what the other might say or feel will definitely grow into anger, pent up emotions and this could be a recipe for disaster!!

Life will always be challenging there is no doubt about that and it is not only the trucker lifestyle that has it the worst there are several occupations where women must stay home and do the husband's work along with children and tend to the fatherly portion of the family. Just don't feel alone in this situation or it may end in depression. Mulling things around in your mind will not help either, try and get exposed to people who are having trouble accepting the life they choose for themselves, there are many support groups that can help you to know you are not alone. Loneliness can lead to depression as well.

Life is what we make it and we can be stubborn about it or we can take each day for what it is.
Happiness will follow you if you work at it, we must understand that it is not a given.

I wish you many happy years of marriage! Keep safe and strong.

Helonwheels :)



Jul 05, 2012
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sounds like a cr england job? NEW
by: Anonymous

How long is his lease? if its three years yea he is stuck for three years.

But if its shorter and he can just get anywhere from six months to one year of experience he can get jobs where he is home weekly if not nightly.

But the thing is he has got to get that experience to be even considered. He is working to pay the bills and buy you all the things you want and need.

Jobs right now are tough to get or even find. Can you not ride along with him? Tough times demand tough decisions and strong wills. Hang in there the money will start rolling in if he ever leaves CR England trust me.

Jul 05, 2012
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Hi Adriana NEW
by: Bonita

Hi Adriana, I had the same problem with my husband at first. I finially got it into his head that we cant just talk about the truck when he is home. Nor can he take out problems with the truck out on me. I just told him that when my computer gives me trouble at work I do not take it out on him.

Also when he is home we make it like we are dating again. I make a special dinner or we go out to movies. Whatever you did when you really did date. Now has a man he seen no point in this. lol But now he is ok with it and enjoys it too.

I cant tell you it gets easier cause it dont sorry. Just remember your not alone there are tons of woman in the same boat. Hugs of support.

Jul 05, 2012
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strong on the outside NEW
by: Anonymous

Your husband doesn't have to be gone as lone as he is. I know becasue my significant other is home every weekend. The jobs are out there, you just have to look for them. OTR doesn't mean being gone for a month at a time. Tell your hubby to look around and join the truckers forum. I'm sure he will find words of encouragement on finding a job that gets him home home 2 days every week. Good luck!

Jul 05, 2012
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strong on the outside NEW
by: Anonymous

Your husband doesn't have to be gone as lone as he is. I know becasue my significant other is home every weekend. The jobs are out there, you just have to look for them. OTR doesn't mean being gone for a month at a time. Tell your hubby to look around and join the truckers forum. I'm sure he will find words of encouragement on finding a job that gets him home home 2 days every week. Good luck!

Jul 05, 2012
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We have ask been there! NEW
by: Amanda Evans

Time changes people, but hopefully if your love is real, things balance out. Being without your husband is hard! I have kiddos that ask when daddy is coming home, so that is kinda heartbreaking. But if you stay true to one another, and keep the lines of communication open, it will work.
I wish you the best of luck honey! We have ask been there at one point or another.
Amanda

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