Questions for the experienced kinda long, i'm sorry...

by Kaydence
(Oklahoma)

Hi, my husband has been an OTR truck driver since January. I wasn't very fond of the idea. And when he left to go to another state to pick the rig up, I cried. Like a little baby. I didn't want him to go.

We had the PERFECT relationship. Told each other everything. Talked about everything. We each had our own time to relax, then we had our time. I also have two little girls who are not biologically his. My girls used to ADORE him. We have been together for almost 3 years now, married for 1.

So here the problem is:
On July 4th I left my camera at home. And my phone was about dead. So I asked to use his phone to take pictures. He let me, and there was no problem. Well the next day he had to leave out. So I just left the pictures, and would upload them onto the computer when he returned. 3 weeks later when he came home, he crashed. He was tired. Which was ok.

Since I was wide awake, I decided to go ahead and upload the pictures. Well, while I was uploading, a text came through that said "Hey sexy, how are you doing?" and the number was saved in his phone. So they had been talking for a while. I became instantly sick to my stomach. I was incredibly hurt. So I opened the message, and there were very graphic messages being sent to each other. Pictures included.

Heart breaking. Because I don't even get pictures like that sent to me anymore. And I know it may be too much information, but we used to send pics like that almost every day. Skype like that too. I don't even get Skype anymore.

I confronted him about it, and he says he just needs someone to keep him up while he is driving at night. I asked him why not call me. That is what I am here for.

His reply is you are sleeping. you have kids, and the house to take care of, on top of getting up to go to work.

I told him that doesn't matter. I am here for him.

He said that he gets lonely out there. But what am I here for? Isn't that the wife's job? To keep them awake, and to keep them entertained? Well I told him to stop it. right then and there. He says ok. But he left and came home again, and there she was AGAIN!!

I was mad this time. I took his phone and sent her a message saying not to contact him again, he is married.

So what do you know, when I pull up the phone bill there are messages going back and fourth later that day.

I am completely hurt by this. I am losing my husband. The trust is completely gone. When he is home now, he is mad, angry, hateful. My kids don't like being around him anymore. We haven't had sex in almost 2 months, and he says its because of stress.

I think its because he is getting it on the road. I just don't know what to do. We can't do counseling because he isn't home enough. He works usually 3-4 weeks on the off for 2 or 3 days and that is usually on the weekends unless his boss sends him home for the holidays.

I've tried being the betty homemaker. Making myself look as good as possible while he is home. So that he will still be attracted to me.

Have dinner on the table when he gets home, go get his dirty cloths from the semi, and wash them.

Rub his back, and his feet, bring him cold drinks. That isn't even working. Help me please... Any advice?

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Sep 12, 2012
Doing for yourself NEW
by: Anonymous

Although I sympathize with your situation divorce is never a good feeling. But you have made choices that will help you and your children and this is important. You will be able to actually benefit from this experience and move on to live a better life.

I would just like to add that the behavior that this person displayed in the relationship has no difference on how easily it is to obtain prostitutes because he is on the road. If you think about it that is not really politically correct. It takes time and timing to be able to meet up with these individuals while on the road, OTR drivers are on the rush mode while driving. And time is of the essence with OTR drivers so there is little time for this behavior even though it does happen.

It is way easier for a man that works in an office (or field that takes him home at night)to drive into prostitute ville do his thing and get home in time for dinner WAY more easier because the location is closer to his job and home.

I say this to allow you to know this type of behavior is prevalent in the male and female population and it doesn't matter who you are or where you work for it to happen or how easier it is. The matter is that it happens everywhere main thing is to protect yourself from STD's!

Good luck and best wishes

Sep 12, 2012
I called it quits NEW
by: Anonymous

I just want to thank everyone for your advice, and your comments. I really appreciate them.

I couldn't do it anymore. I can't trust him for anything. I put a text/phone call/browser tracker on his phone, and found things that completely broke my heart. Not only are there several women he is speaking with, he has met up with them. Not only that, but he has talked with several prostitutes. I wouldn't know they were, but they had the whole what are you looking for, and him replying with "well what are your rates." He doesn't want to make this work. I can't have a one sided relationship. And I think this is too much for me to get past. I don't think counseling will help me. This would forever be in the back of my head with him. So I decided that it would be better to give up my house, my comfort zone, and my life, in order not to feel this hurt. My girls don't need it either. So I have called it quits. I told him that I will be moving out. And his response was probably more hurtful than what I found. He doesn't care. He says he is hurt by it, but reading all the messages he is STILL sending out to these people, you can't tell. Slap in my face.

Thank you for your help and support. I can say that I will not be dating, or marrying another OTR driver. Not ever again. I know people cheat no matter the job, but OTR drivers can do it a lot easier. I want my spouse to be home with me. Again thank you so much for your input!!

Sep 11, 2012
Trust doesn't come easy NEW
by: laurie

Your husband has made a choice that has affected your marriage, your children's lives, and your friendship. Once the trust is broken (whether he is having affairs with other women or exchanging pictures and explicit conversations with this woman) is still cheating. Once that trust is gone or broken,it is very, very, very hard to get it back. The reason he is mad when he comes home is because you caught him red handed....and confronted him and the other woman. This type of behavior will not change until he is willing to come to terms with his actions. My advice is to lay it out on the line the next time he is home.

You tell him that he needs to be honest with you, and that you can't go through this anymore. You have been faithful, loving, supportive, and understanding. If he is not happy with your relationship then it is time to part ways, and focus on your children. If he doesn't want the marriage to end, then it is time for him to get a job where he is not out for 3 weeks at a time, and is available for counseling. If he truly loves you and respects you, and wants your marriage to work then he needs to be willing to do whatever it takes to save it.

The thing that you need to understand is that not all trucker men cheat on their wives. They have respect for the things that they do for one another, and when both miss one another then they talk to each other. They cherish the time that they do get to spend together. Drivers usually converse with one another to pass the time, and woman find support through groups of woman who are married to a trucker. When their husband feels lonely they to turn to their best friend (his wife). He hears her voice, and they begin to discuss his days of ups and downs. This is just a word of advice...you can take what you need from it, and you can leave the rest. May God give you strength and courage, to do what is best for the both of you and your children.

Sep 07, 2012
what I think NEW
by: Anonymous

if someone needs to reach out because he is lonely at night on the road it does not have to be a female. there are plenty of other people out there driving at night and there is a thing called a C.B. there is God as well. many truck stops have chaplains on site. there is no excuse for a man to have to reach out to another women because he has no one else to talk with at night. there is more to his story and is only telling half truths not to alarm anyone and that in itself is deceitful. so if anyone feels that this is okay well they have the wrong outlook on life.

Counseling is a good option and maybe he can win your trust back but there will always be the thought lingering in the back of each ones mind. unless of course the counseling can make you forget and move on. who really knows? but as well if he is not completely committed to you now when will he be, is the real question?

Sep 06, 2012
shaking relationships in trucking NEW
by: Hervy

Hello Kaydence,

Hate to hear that are going through such a stressful situation.

There seems to be a lot going on with the relationship. The things that you found are disturbing, however, what you found is what you found. Assuming what he is doing otherwise is speculation at the end of the day.

The only reason I say that is I don't want you to through in the towel based on that assumption. At this point, he might be abstaining from sex just because he is feels guilty or shameful for finding himself the cause of this situation that is creating all of this turmoil in your relationship.

However, I don't know all of the details and what small parts might be left out in your story.

In my opinion, there is not many options for you guys that would be better than counseling or coaching Excuses of why it can't be done is just not going to get the relationship anywhere.

If both of you want the relationship to work out, you must prioritized your actions based on that reality.

If you want to heal and be happy again, then both should be willing to take steps that leads to reaching the end goal by restoring the relationship. In my eyes that is counseling or coaching.

He is not the first driver who placed this burden on the family. If you were doing the things that you said that you are doing now the entire time during the relationship, it seems you were doing what should have help keep him from making this mistake.

Many of the truckers miss this treatment at home and reach out to other women online. NOt that it is right, but it is a sign that both people really need the counseling in many cases.

There is not many new couple today that wouldn't benefit from having a coaching session because there are many pitfalls and so little understanding of the needs of men and women in relationships.

Wish you the best of luck and hope yall get into some counseling.

Sep 06, 2012
There is no such thing NEW
by: Anonymous

AS PERFECT. You found the definition of imperfect relationship within your own post.

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