It Is What U Make It

by Nastasia

I'm a stay at home wife of an OTR trucker. I have 3 children from my 1st marriage & I only get visitation & am required to pay childsupport. I am my husband's 3rd wife.

At first it was real hard to go through. I didn't want him to go to trucking school (just a year and a half into our marriage), but due to our finances & our marriage at the time wasn't stable, he did what he saw was the best for us at the time.

We came real close to opting to divorce. I was real insecure, needy, angry, jealous, suspicious, accusatory, mean, hurtful, impatient, & even unfaithful. I've learned the hard way that life is what u make it to be.

I was on probation during his first year OTR. I was court ordered by a judge to take dv (domestic violence) classes once a week, counseling, & self-esteem classes. I was also working a part-time job & working to become a certified forklift operator. I didn't have my driver's license because I was so far behind on my childsupport my dL got suspended.

On my days off from work & classes my ex would drop off & pick up the kids. I walked or rode my bike or got a ride from my neighbor & we'd give him gas money on pay day.

We struggled financially during the first 3-4 months into his new job. I sought help through local churches & non-profit community agencies that could help with paying some of our bills we struggled to pay & went to places that donated food & even applied for foodstamps.

My husband saw my efforts as being supportive & resourceful & thanked me for it, but deep down inside I felt resentful towards him thinking to myself like, "what kind of a man would put his wife through this? Why can't he be open with me about his finances? If I were in control of the finances we wouldn't be in this mess!"

When he did come home after being gone for a month to month and a half I noticed new numbers in his phone, new gadgets, saw porn on his phone, noticed how he'd slip away to another room or outside the house after he answered his phone, & we were still screaming at each other.

I absolutely hated the fact that he wouldn't include me or introduce me or call or text me or answer my gazillion questions. There were times when we slept in separate rooms and there were times when he was in town, came home, but ended up going back to his truck because we argued so bad. There were times when he'd call me to tell me how far he is from home and asked me how I think we'd get along if he were to come home & say "if ur just going to argue w me & not let me sleep then I'm just going to sleep in my truck I'm exhausted & all I really want to do is eat, shower, & go to sleep, if u want we can try to make love, but I'm really no use for that right now, but we can try in the morning.." just the fact that he said what he wanted to do and sex was the last thing on his mind made me mad. Every little thing made me mad.

Some where in the middle of my dv classes, I noticed that the more honesty and reality I put into each chapter & used the tools I learned from dv, counseling, & self-esteem classes helped me to create an inviting, peaceful, & accepting atmosphere for when my husband did come home.

He started noticing a change in me that I couldn't see. Even my kids were starting to open up to me and tell me how this used to make me mad and how they noticed I don't get mad as easily as I did before and that they like it that way better. The more encouraged I was by my network the more I wanted to improve & grow & learn.

It wasn't until I flipped onto the Weather channel when I saw a tornado heading in the direction my husband was on I started to call him & I couldn't get through & the last words I spoke to him were, "I hope ur truck gets thrown by a tornado & u crash & burn & go to Hell where u belong!!" And bam there it was heading directly towards where my husband was currently on & I started to cry bitterly, afraid I was going to be faced to bury him, I frantically called 3 ppl to ask them to pray with me and after I got off the phone I started to pray, I haven't prayed in so long it felt as though it were fake.

I felt like such a hypocrite for running to God to ask him to spare my husband's life & how I wasn't ready to be a widow not at my age I was fixing to turn 31. I kept praying & watched the weather channel & slowly the tornado shifted away from the direction my husband was on & boy did I thank God so much. That made me realize how far I've gone astray & it made me think back on the times God did wonders & miracles & all his blessings. It made me remember the first time I'd fallen in love with my husband all over again.

When he came home I had to tell him all about it. He just laughed & gave me a hug & said, "why, u could've gotten $50,000 & be better off w o me, shoot ud prolly b happier having that money than having me babe! Naw, I'm just playin" then he pulls out a CD & wants us to listen to it. It turns out that he's been buying books & cds on how to's marriage, love, etc after all these times I really thought he was fixing, planning, debating on leaving me for good he's been praying and wondering how in the world he can make a woman like me happy.

So I asked him if he was planning on leaving me, he denied it. Once I let my guard down he seemed to mimic me. I quit doing the negative & hurtful things I used to do & say & instead focused on doing, showing, I watched my attitude, my tone in my voice, my body posture, & made a choice on what I chose to bring up w my husband, if what I'm thinking about is worth bringing up or not, I chose to focus on his efforts in trying to be a provider, acknowledged his authority as my husband, apologized for not showing him respect at home & in public, empathized, & imagined what I would expect to come home to after being gone for weeks at a time.

Things have drastically improved since a year and a half ago. I'm no longer on probation, I got my driver's license back, my kids look forward to coming to spend 3 days w me, my husband & I make an effort in praying for each other & reading the bible together & going to church together when we can. He has since then included me, introduced me, pleased me, provides, & runs everything by me & I run everything by him before either of us makes a decision on something big n important w o first talking to our spouse first.

Our priorities have changed to God, my spouse, the kids, then me & his priority is God, his wife, the kids, then him. I owe it all to God. All those times God was there & I nor my husband we didn't include God in our lives & look how bad it was then. Now that God is in both our lives individually & together as a family look how much he's blessed, forgave, & loves.

With God all things are possible, only He can change ppl from the inside out.
Ladies I know it's hard, it's gnarly, it's good, bad, lonely & boring & busy, yes it's good to have a network, yes it's ok to vent, but the most important person in this journey as a trucker's wife is you, not in a selfish way, but what u learn from it, u can choose to be the kind of wife, mother u envision urself to be, let ur man be ur man, never ever compare ur marriage situation to another's marriage, never expect out of ur marriage what u think u see in another's marriage that makes them appear content or happy, if u find urself coveting or envying or desiring what someone else has in their marriage n u don't have it but u tell urself that's what u deserve, cut it out, any time a thought gets into ur mind that is or has caused u to be suspicious, angry, jealous, accusatory, hasn't helped and it won't help as long as u give into them, unless u choose to change what u choose to think about, then u will have a different perspective, attitude, & demeanor & vibe. A woman is the heart of the home. When ur angry the rest of the house and the ppl in it are affected, when ur in a good mood so is everyone in the house n the ppl in it.

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Mar 07, 2015
Anger is useless NEW
by: Anonymous

It just goes to show that anger is usually a useless emotion. Nobody likes to be angry, but we all get mad from time to time. The key to calming down and controlling your anger is realizing when you get mad, and asking yourself "what am I angry about" "Is it worth arguing about" "can we talk about this calmly" etc..

Our first reaction when somebody raises their voices or yells at us, is to be louder than them. Yelling causes anger to be infectious. It might make you feel better, but it makes whoever you're yelling at feel worse. This leads to a constantly escalating level of anger until the whole thing blows out of control.

And just because the argument ends doesn't mean it's over and done with. Having a heated yelling contest with somebody can cause lingering negative emotions for anybody involved, including people who are unfortunate enough to overhear such an argument. This can lead to more arguments, and even more negativity.

The bottom line is, when you let anger get out of control, your life turns to shit.

Great job figuring this out for yourself, and correcting the problem. I'm happy for you and your family.

Mar 07, 2015
Thanks for sharing
by: Hervy

Natashia, congratulations on your journey of self discovery and personal development.

I am so grateful that you shared some of that journey. Some of the emotions, thoughts and actions are ones that I have seen many many times.

When I respond I encourage people, (women most of the times because they are going through something similar as you with the husband) I encourage them to look at the big picture and see if there are ways that you can improve your side of the relationship. If there are negative filters that you see things through which could cause you to behave in a way that doesn't improve the relationship.

It's always a challenge to get people to see beyond their own personal pain to see how they might see and do things differently that eventually changes the dynamics of the entire relationship which means they are no longer treated the way they disapprove of.

Often both people are sitting on the sideline waiting for the other person to treat them better. The longer this occurs the worse the relationships gets. When one person (ideally both) decides, "I am going to figure this out and do what I can", then things can change for the better.

You have illustrated this with your accounts from things being terrible to terrific.

Thanks for sharing. I think it will open the eyes of many, empowering them to create change that they may not have thought was possible.

Attitude and actions are everything.

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